I Quit Self-Improvement

In Thailand my life feels so enjoyable and so simple I don’t feel the need for self-improvement. Maybe I’m being a little disingenuous. How can I best describe this? I don’t feel the need for ‘self-improvement’.

In Thailand I exercise a bit and meditate a bit, but it is different to how I do it in England. It isn’t scheduled. I don’t tick it off on a spreadsheet when it’s done. And if I don’t want to do it on any given day or week that is genuinely ok. I guess the most definitive change is that it feels like I am no longer trying. It isn’t self-improvement, it’s living.

For me, in the West, self-improvement always felt like running away from something but with a trailing parachute holding me back. In hangs over you in this very weird way that feels in part empowering and in part strangely draining. There were periods of time when I thought only in ‘self-improvement’. ‘Self-improvement’ is a weird mindset. Simple living and enjoyment of life are beautiful. Not trying too hard is beautiful.

We measure every fucking thing. From sleep, to water consumption to the ml, to the number of steps we take in a day. It’s bordering on insanity. It reminds me of places I have worked where the stats and kpis become more important than the actual work. Proof of work becomes more important than actual work. Proof of work becomes the work. Proof of exercise has become more important than exercise. And with the heart-rate monitors many of us wear, proof of life has become more important than life.

I measured my blood pressure, my blood pressure got worse. I measured my sleep, my sleep apnea got worse.

We are obsessed with goals, PBs, progressive overload, consistency.

We live by our tracking spreadsheets and our smartwatches. We are being simultaneously micro-managed by ourselves and technology.

If I’m honest, my gains from four years of self-improvement efforts have been minimal. So, it makes sense that I should quit. I failed. Or did I? I live in the same house, drive the same cars, have the same job, the same salary (reduced in real terms due to the effect of inflation), the same skinny-fat body, the same friends (or lack of them), the same skills. Haha as I read this I’m wondering, was I even doing self-improvement or did I just think I was.

On the plus side, my internal self has progressed significantly; I am far more confident and self-assured than I have ever been. I am less risk-averse. I take more ownership of my life.

But it’s true, I’m done with self-improvement. Now it’s time for living.