Existing and Living

I sometimes hear the phrase ‘existing not living’, and it suggests a somewhat lost and depressive state. But I sometimes get the feeling that I’m ‘living not existing’. By that I mean that I’m busy, I’m focussed, I’m battling life stresses, I’m drinking alcohol, I’m planning and goal setting and striving. But I’m not existing, I’m not tasting the food I eat, or truly resting or enjoying simple conversation just for the sake of the conversation and the companionship, I’m not feeling the sun on my skin or marvelling at the simple everday wonders of the world.

It can feel impossible to just exist in the fast paced, modern world. I meditate and practice mindfulness but I get the sense that I practice too hard. If I meditate for ten minutes today I feel I need to meditate for twenty minutes tomorrow. No amount of mindfulness ever feels enough.

Sometimes the solution can be to remove yourself from the fast-paced environment. I am currently spending a period of time in Northern Thailand and for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m ‘existing and living’. I rest a lot and I feel good about it rather than guilty. I sit in the sun as I drink my morning coffee. I feel no compulsion to compete, or be successful and or be anything other than myself. I’m not trying to keep up with the Joneses. There are no Joneses. I wake up when I want, I exercise when I want, I eat what I want, I have sex when I want, I work when I want.

Things come easier to me here. For instance I exercise more here despite that fact I’m not ‘trying’ to exercise. There’s no voice in my head telling me I have to exercise. There’s no schedule. I wouldn’t say I work harder, but I work better because I am rested and relaxed.

Maybe it’s not simply an East Vs West thing, or a modern living Vs simpler living thing. Maybe it’s just being away from that all pervasive, silent voice of society that we grow up with and can’t escape. It’s pervasiveness and silence haunt us.