In Solitude

Of course, I’m sat alone as I reflect on solitude my closest friend.

My family were around me this morning, discussions, arguments, general busyness, my mind couldn’t settle where it wanted to settle. Talk about finances and visas and weekend plans and why the fridge is suddenly not cold. Did someone change the coldness setting because yesterday it was icy cold. Does max mean max coldness or max temperature. For some reason my mind won’t settle at all.

My wife is in the garden digging up weeds and I’m waiting for the call to help. The call never came but I waited for it nonetheless.

I open up my journal. My mind is a jittery blank. My wife is in and out of the house. She huffs about something. Just a huff. But a huff is enough. The modest irony is that in this moment this blog on solitude was born. I achieved complete clarity on my need for solitude, particularly if I am ever going to get any meaningful work done.

The reality is I can get non-meaningful work done when there are people around me. But to do meaningful work I need to be alone. In truth my life has mostly been filled with non-meaningful work.

I see it in my teenage daughter too. She sort of basks in solitude. If anyone else is in the house it is very unlikely she will do any housework beyond the basics. But when she knows that everyone else will be out for at least a few hours, she will often lose herself in cleaning and we come back to an immaculate house. Sometimes we return home just as my daughter is finishing up the housework. She has her music on and looks as though she is enjoying herself. She appears to be in her element. On seeing us return she looks a little disappointed as though we have intruded on her meditation.

I accept that is my weakness that prevents me from doing deep work when others are around but that doesn’t make it any less true. I’m too sensitive to the outside noise. I guess I could try to ‘fix’ that sensitivity, but I know that in solitude is where that blissful state lies.

It isn’t just physical solitude I require to deep work. I also require the absence of demands on my attention. Furthermore I require the absence of the potential of there being demands on my attention. I work from home. There are days when no-one contacts me. But I find it hard to fully sink into my work knowing that someone might contact me. I work better on the weekends when I know that none of my colleagues will Teams me.

I experience low-level anxiety when I am not in solitude. Like the hum of a refrigerator. I’m not hyper aware of others but I’m just aware enough. Aware enough not to be able to wallow in flow state. And if I know I can’t make flow state I have to settle for something less. I have to accept distraction and poor focus. I have to accept that the work I do will be unsatisfactory, if not to my employer to my soul. That’s when I put some music on. It’s when I start scrolling. I watch the clock. I go about my work like a child pushing his food around his plate.